I never post on here anymore. I'm not sure why.

I was reading my older posts, last one was from March.

Goodness me. I have changed so much since then, and gone through so many phases. It amazes me sometimes how much we change and how we never seem to notice our differences.

Anyway, I'm off.

Hopefully, maybe, possibly, I'll update more often. x

I doubt anyone will ever read this, but in the off chance someone does, I have a twitter, if you're interested.

Http://www.twitter.com/nikkiskyline

March 2, 2009

Haven't blogged here in forever. I started using Tumblr, but I still don't use it that much. x]



So I feel that this year is making a major turn around, and it's increasingly getting better in just a week.

This entire school year has all around just been shit, and last week, just when I thought it was about to get worse, everything turned out so right, and I got an amazing guy out of it.
And I also lost the one who was holding me back, which was a major plus.

He's so great, and I'm so glad that I finally have him in my life more. Sort of.
The thing that gets me down about being with him is that I can never see him outside of school because his religion doesn't allow him to hang out with 'school friends' outside of school. He's also not allowed to date outside of his religion, but he's taking a chance with me anyway.

And as it turns out, he's liked me for long time. I never would have known had this week not happened.

Anyways, I don't have time to go into details, but I'm just super happy.
I'll try to start blogging here more. :)


Also, I dyed part of my hair purple a while ago.

[I hate this picture, but whatever. :)]

Reflecting 2008.

It was probably the worst year I've ever had, ending pretty okay.

I was sad and depressed for most of it, and I didn't care that I showed it either. I was weak, and pathetic, and vulnerable. I fought with my mom all the time, and I complained about my life that really wasn't THAT bad to my friends, and then later found out who my real friends were.

I guess now, I've made a complete turn around from all of that. I realized that there's no point in being sad and depressed all the time, it only made me more miserable, and I really didn't need it. As for being weak, pathetic, and vulnerable, AND showing it on top of that, well, like I said, I was pathetic. I understand why I did all of that, but now, I don't need to show it, because I've come a long way, and I'm stronger than that. (Looking back on it, I wish I didn't show my feelings as much.)

Somewhere in all of that, my mom and I fixed all of our problems. I'm not sure how either, I like it though. The idea of actually getting along with her is still kind of new to me, but I like it a LOT better than fighting and arguing with her all the time.

As for my friends, I only have two best friends that mean more to me than you could imagine. The rest of them have backstabbed me, or lied to me, or we've just grown apart. What's sad and slightly upsetting about it is that I'm growing apart right now from one of my other 'best friends' (I use that term lightly.*) who was there with me through everything this past year, but I've actually come to realize how bad of a friend she was to me. She lied, and did everything she could to make sure that if she was unhappy, I was too. Well, mostly she just tried to make sure I was unhappy, even if she wasn't.

I've learned to stop trusting people until they actually give me a reason to trust them. And now my feelings aren't held in, but only shared to the ones I know will listen and care. And I know that if I learn to be patient, good things will come. Just because things aren't okay at the time, doesn't mean they won't be in the end.

I know that this isn't as in depth as it could be, but honestly, TOO much has happened that would take a lot of time to explain, and a deep understanding of why I did the things I did, and why the things that happened, occured, as an effect of what the other people involved did.
The things I learned through the year, for me to sit here and type out all of the 'lessons' I learned, would just be ridiculous. But no doubt, it has changed me for the better, and it's made me more mature for someone my age. And I can't say I regret this past year at all.

Song: The Point- Eatmewhileimhot! (aka Mister Owl)

Afterthought: I'm so cliche.

Nikki can't blog.

Seriously, my thoughts are everywhere when I try to blog, and I always feel like I'm getting off topic.

First thing I would like to talk about, since it's going on right now would be Dillon. Jesus! I am so sick of him. He's texting me almost every minute, and he just won't go away. I mean, he's nice and all, but good lord, can he not take a hint? We aren't dating, and I don't need someone to check up on me every second of everyday.

So what do I do? I change my attitude towards him a bit, but he doesn't get it. And now I'm to the point where I just need to be upfront with him and tell him that I just don't like him that way anymore. It makes me seem like a complete bitch, but really, he's just pushing me over the edge.

On a completely different note, I have been rather happy with things lately. I seem to always have this temporary happiness, and don't get me wrong, I love it, but I wish it lasted all the time. It sounds kind of pessimistic, but really, I just deal with too many things, even though it seems like I don't.

And Christmas is coming up. I'm kind of excited. I'll be estatic by Christmas day though. I already know about half of presents. Whoops.

Also, while I'm thinking about it, something that made me sad all day. I had a dream early this morning involving my ex-boyfriend. It started out I was somewhere with a senior that goes to my school, that I'm also friends with, and we walked to some place I'm guessing was near my school. I saw him in there sitting, and I walked to a table to set my things down. He kept looking at me, which I thought was weird, and he acted like he was going to knock my things off the table. But it wasn't in a mean way, it was in a teasing sort of way, like he used to do. And at first, I was just so confused by this because I was used to him ignoring me and never talking to me. But he looked at me, again like he used to and asked me to hug him. I looked at him in disbelief, and said, 'Really?', he nodded, and I leaned in to hug him. It was the longest hug I'd had in a long time. It felt so real, and it felt like the old times. I started to pull away, but he wouldn't let me go. I felt safe again.

It sounds stupid that this dream is actually bringing me to tears, but it is. It's been so long, and it still hurts to think about these things. I mean, I'm pretty much over it all, but it just still hurts sometimes. Like other things.

Enough of that.

Anyway, also lately, I've been talking in third person. I don't know why I even started, but now I can't stop. It makes me sound crazy. Hahaha.

I never know how to end these things, so I'm just going to post this ridiculous picture of me.

LDN

I wish I had some special talent that set me apart from other people. I can't write or draw [very well atleast], I can't play an instrument, or write my own songs, and compose my own music, I don't play any sports, the list can go on.

I want to do something spectacular with my life, and I feel like I just can't. I feel like my opportunities are so limited, and it makes me feel completely worthless. Which is kind of why I want to go to London. I feel like I can just get so much more accomplished there, and it would open up a ton more opportunities.

What I specifically want to do with my life, I don't exactly know, but I know I want to do something memorable. I want to be proud of myself. I never want to have to worry about money issues, and I want to keep the family I one day want to have happy.

I know that not much would change, talent wise, but I know that I wouldn't feel confined as to the things I can do in my life to be happy.

My ultimate goal is to be happy, and I know that staying in a small town would definitely hold me back. I want to move to a big city, where everything is as exciting as it is beautiful. And someday, I hope to have all of that.

OCD

I deleted all of my blog posts because I went really OCD this weekend and deleted 56 pages of myspace messages, and I'm working on my 3000 something tweets. :]